There is a picture of me, me sitting on the banks of Ma Ganga in a “traditional” meditation pose.  It is stunning. Jennifer took of me one morning during my first trip to Ma India. There I am, seated in siddhasana, on a cushion, on the ghat along the banks of Ma Ganga in Benares also known as Varanasi. 

It is easy to look at a picture and tell yourself a story. What is happening in the actual picture is often a different story than they one we tell ourselves when we see it. In that moment, I was telling myself, what am I doing? Am I doing this right? What am I supposed to be doing? Will someone know if I am messing this up? 

From the outside, I could look like a seasoned meditator. On the inside, I had no idea what I was doing. Yes, I been offered guidance. Yes, words had been shared as guides, invitations of what I could do.  I had seen folks seated, eyes, closed, plams on top of the knees. This is how I began. This is how most things begin. You watch what is being modeled, you emulated.

Except much of what happens during mediation is internal. It is inner work, an inside job. Not visible to the outer world. This I learned. This I am learning, is about me and my own inner relationship.

Since then, I have learned techniques, I have been guided. I have been taught. I have been initiated.  What I know now, it is that commitment it key. While each of us finds our own way, and what works for us as individuals, showing up for ourselves is paramount to establishing new ways of being, new ways of interacting with ourselves.

In the beginning, I remember sitting down and pressing play to hear Deva Premal’s Bodhisattva. I told myself I was not allowed to get up, to look at, read, write or do anything until the song was over. 10 minutes. 10 long minutes. What I could do was sit. Be.

I explored doing neck rolls- 108 times in one direction and then 108 times in the opposite direction. Then I learned a breath technique called Breath of Light. I began doing that regularly.  With time, I added in the So Hum Mediation. From there I began exploring different mantras in addition to Breath of Light. I would sit in the morning for a ‘practice’ and then again in the evening. Sometimes I would follow my breath in and out, noticing how I was taking in the inhalation, either through my nose or mouth. Would the exhalation be different? I traced the path of my breath as it entered my body. With curiosity I “watched” it, would it go to my chest, down into my belly? I traced its path as it left my body. Was my breath fast or slow, I wondered. I explored slowing it down. I explored what would happen when I speeded it up.  When my mind jumped in and started telling stories I got curious. Sometimes, once I was able to catch that my mind had taken me away traveling to far off ideas of what might happen or circling back to events that already took place, I tried to trace the thinking back. How did I get here?  What thought lead me to this thought? Other times, I ‘caught’ my mind and brought my attention back to the present moment, focusing on the count, word, sound or phrase. I explored all of this. I am exploring all of this.  There is no end point. This is a process, one in which I am getting to know myself. More and more.  And what I find, what I am finding is that the more I open up to myself, the more of myself I meet.

And maybe you will too.

Enjoy the journey.